The discussion is rooted in Quran-first principles, historical hadiths, and practical advice, emphasizing patience, consent, and mutual fulfillment to build strong marriages. He promotes his book, Polygyny Maybe? (linked in the post) for further reading. The content flows logically from the cultural context of virginity and lack of knowledge, to courtship and marriage processes, and finally to practical guidance for newlyweds and long-term relationships. Below is a structured breakdown for clarity.
1. Cultural Context
Virginity, Lack of Education, and Pornography’s Impact Personal Anecdote and Community Norms: The speaker shares that he entered marriage knowing only basic biology from school, with no practical understanding of sex. He assumed everything was “correct” only after his wife became pregnant. In traditional Muslim societies, especially pre-internet eras, sex education is virtually nonexistent, leaving many young people—particularly virgins—completely unprepared. This leads to awkwardness and potential marital issues for newlyweds. Dangers of Pornography: Porn is explicitly labeled as haram (forbidden) in Islam. The speaker warns that it creates distorted expectations, portraying women unrealistically (e.g., as always eager and performative like “porn stars”). This can ruin relationships by setting impossible standards. For those struggling with addiction, he advises quitting through intense physical exercise: 2-3 hours daily of gym work, weightlifting, or running to redirect sexual energy. He notes that celibacy (e.g., 9 months without a partner) is challenging at first but becomes easier as urges diminish over time.
2. Courtship in Islamic Tradition: Balancing Modesty and Compatibility Is Courtship Allowed?
Contrary to ultra-conservative views, courtship is not haram if done properly. It involves supervised interactions to assess compatibility, avoiding isolation that could lead to sin or unintended pregnancy. The speaker cites hadiths where the Prophet Muhammad encouraged “legal seeing” before marriage—allowing potential spouses to view each other to build attraction and ensure mutual fit. Practical Implementation: Courtship can include chaperoned conversations or family-involved meetings. In some cultures (e.g., Arab “mila” traditions), couples sign a nikah (marriage contract) without immediate consummation, allowing 3-6 months of private time to bond while the marriage remains voidable. If no sex occurs, there’s no waiting period for divorce, and the mahr (dowry) can be returned. Sex acts as the “ratification” of the marriage.
How to Choose and Keep a Wife: A Practical Guide for Men
How to Choose and Keep a Wife is a much needed and in demand marriage guide for men in a time when marriages are just not working. This book doesn’t aim to fix the problems of women, or the problems with society. Rather, this book gives men a step by step guide on how to properly vet a woman for marriage. It also gives men clear guidance on how to manage being married and staying married. While some might see this book as idealistic, there is something in it for everyone. It tackles the issues of marriage both from an idealistic and pragmatic approach. On the one hand, the author sets forth an ideal but also acknowledges the real likelihood that the ideal will not be accomplished and gives practical advice on how to manoeuvre in less idealistic circumstances. Even though the target audience for this book is single men or men who are married and are having a hard time, it would prove useful for women who are looking at being good wives.
3. Expectations and Challenges for Virgin Newlyweds Realism Over Fantasy
The speaker urges men to drop porn-influenced ideals. Wives are ordinary humans—not filtered, idealized figures from social media. They have normal bodies, personalities, and quirks (e.g., like living with a relative who can be annoying). Marriage is essentially cohabitation with exclusive sexual rights, not a constant erotic fantasy. Shyness and Consent: Virgin women, in particular, are often extremely shy and may not be ready for immediate intimacy. There’s no expectation of instant nudity or enthusiasm on the wedding night. Consent is paramount; women might delay sex for days, weeks, or even a month due to fear, pain, or discomfort. The speaker stresses patience, drawing from hadiths that encourage flirting and foreplay. Building Intimacy Gradually: To ease into physical closeness, he recommends “wooing” your spouse like in courtship: go on dates, flirt, hold hands, touch arms or feet non-sexually, or watch movies while sitting close. This builds comfort and trust. For penetration fears, experiment gently and patiently—rushing can cause trauma.
4. Practical Advice for Initial and Ongoing Intimacy Pain and Adjustment Period
Losing virginity and early sexual experiences can be painful for women (lasting weeks), which is biological, not a personal failing. Men typically desire frequent sex, but must accommodate their partner’s initial hesitancy to avoid resentment. Wife’s Responsibilities: Once adjusted, wives have a duty to maintain chastity by fulfilling their husbands’ sexual needs, preventing temptations like affairs. Even postpartum (during bleeding periods), non-penetrative intimacy is encouraged. If a wife loses interest long-term, the speaker suggests polygyny—adding another wife—to satisfy the husband without secretive disruptions, aligning with Islamic allowances. Maintaining Desire: Sex isn’t solely for procreation; it’s for bonding. To keep it exciting, avoid routine (e.g., not every day) to build tension. Let wives initiate sometimes, as women may lose interest faster than men. The overall goal is mutual exploration and enjoyment within halal boundaries.
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Yes, it makes sense. Keep it up.