From the book, “Polygyny Maybe? A Practical Guide for Men”
Bilal decides that things might get serious with Fatimah and
decides to tell his wife that he wants to marry her. His wife is
devastated by the news and wants nothing to do with Bilal. In fact,
she threatens to leave. For a while Bilal decides to stop seeing
Fatimah because he is unable to handle the pressure at home. After
a while, Bilal decides to no longer pursue having another wife. For
now, his wife has won the battle. However, she will not win the
war. Fatimah is devastated but doesn’t entirely lose hope.
There isn’t an easy way for a man to tell his wife that he wants
to marry another wife. We live in an era of monogamy and covert
polygyny. We do not live in an era of overt polygyny and hence
when a man decides he wants another wife he should expect
resistance from basically everyone around him. What should he
do?
Always tell your wife or wives when it is you are about to
embark on marrying another wife. If you do not do so you will lose
their trust, which is worse than the immediate backlash you’ll get.
When men marry other women secretly they live in a constant state
of having to lie which makes their lives unbearably stressful and
would often in the end result in divorce anyway- when the wife
finds out.
I know a guy who had two wives because he works in another
country. The wife in the country he works doesn’t know about his
9wife at home, and the wife at home doesn’t know about his wife
overseas. He had kids with both wives and in the end could not
deal with the stress of having to permanently travel to keep down
the demands of both families who also didn’t know about each
other. Admittedly, some men have their reasons for not telling their
wives. They are convinced that the wife would leave with their
children and so hope to offset the impending doom. If that is the
case, don’t marry another woman. If you can’t level with your
wife, you shouldn’t have another wife.
What I have seen often in the years of dealing with polygynous
couples is that men often blame their first wives for wanting to take
another wife. That is uncharitable and unkind because it is also
untrue. Men who marry additional wives do so because they want
to. It is a calling for them to have several wives and so it can never
be the fault of the first wife. In fact, more often than not, the first
wife is frankly the most loyal of all the wives he might have
because she married him when he was nothing but a promise.
Whereas, his other wives would have not married him if he wasn’t
already established and capable. If a woman sticks around after her
husband takes another wife, it’s usually because she loves him
regardless of what he did. I’ve seen cases where the second wife
leaves because the husband takes a third wife and yet she expected
the first wife to accept her existence.
If you are a single man and you have a polygynous outlook then
you should be sure to mention that to any women you might be
interested in. The battle is half won if you choose the path that you
want to walk on from the start. Don’t sort of wait for a woman to
first fall in love with you before you break the news to her. It is
preferable that you marry a woman in the first instance that is in
favour of a polygenist lifestyle.
Polygyny Maybe? A Practical Guide to Polygyny (eBook)
This is a short and useful digital book you can get and share with your friends. If you are already in polygyny or aspiring to practice it in future this is a must read. Spending a few dollars to learn from the experiences of others is better than making mistakes that can be avoided. The…
If you are a single woman and you are considering polygyny, be
sure to let the guy you are interested in know that that’s how you
want things to be done. If you are a married woman and your
husband is interested in polygyny understand that in the world we
live in today, only a decent man would even bother to broach that
subject with his wife. In reality, if all he wanted was to sleep
around, he could have done that without ever saying anything.
While monogamy might very well have been your marriage
preference as his only wife, ask yourself whether remaining with
him as you husband would still be worth it regardless? Has he been
a terrible husband to you in monogamy? If he has been, this would
probably be a good opportunity to finally leave, but if he hasn’t
been, this is probably a good opportunity to support him in his
decision even though you hate it.
I have seen countless single mothers and divorcees beg their ex
husbands to take them back after a full hardy divorce. I have seen
women who left polygynous marriages ask their ex husbands to
take them back as third and forth wives. While social media and
the abundance of male attention reinforces a fake sense of demand,
the truth is that there are not many men in the world that will
actually marry you. The world we live in today is a world in which
many men would gladly have sex with any woman who is willing
to open her legs, but not many men will be happy to settle down
with any woman. Men have gradually and steadily lost respect for
women on account of the ease with which they are able to sleep
with them. Also, men who have experience with lots of women
being willing to sleep with them despite being married or in a
relationship, find it hard to trust women. If you as a woman are
interested in a marriage, then ninety nine times out of one hundred,
the man you are now married to is the best man you’ll ever have.
It’s always better to have an open discussion about polygyny
before ever embarking on marriage. However, if you got married
having agreed on polygyny it is important to find another wife
relatively soon. The longer you take to get married to your second
wife the more settled your first wife will feel in monogamy. The
more settled she feels, the harder it will be for her to accept
polygyny afterwards. Hence, if you are sure that polygyny is what
you want, then you must embark on it from the start. You should
try to marry another wife within three years of marriage to the first,
but if you can do it within the same year it will be better for
everyone.
11Bilal had told his wife before marriage that he wanted to
practice polygyny. However, he didn’t pursue it until many years
later. By then, his wife had thought that he already forgot about the
idea and that they would be monogamously married forever.
However, Bilal never forgot about polygyny and now when he
finally felt that he wanted to fulfil his goal, it met stiff resistance.
At first, he decided that perhaps he could just remain monogamous,
but soon found himself distracted again. It is often the case that
once a man has decided to embark on polygyny he will not change
his mind. Rather than be prohibitive, the best thing that a wife can
do is try to in the very least make sure that the woman her husband
marries will be someone that she can work with. There are always
times in polygyny when women will have to cooperate with each
other.
A smart woman that is monogamously married to a man who
would prefer to be polygynous, will find him another wife that she
is capable of getting along with and who is also able to be a good
wife to her husband. While it is a very difficult prospect to have to
be involved in the process of choosing a wife, it is the one chance
you have to help determine the future of your own marriage. If
your husband marries and incredibly difficult woman who makes
his life miserable, the effects of that will spill over into your
marriage. After all, it isn’t possible for a man to entirely separate
himself from how he might feel and as a result he will often show
up at your door miserable. The risk men run when they involve
their first wives in the process of choosing a second wife is that the
first wife will make sure she chooses someone less attractive and
less capable than herself so that there is little to no competition. If
you as a man sense that that is what’s going on, rather do not
involve your first wife at all. Choose your own wife independently,
entirely based on what you would like for yourself. Your first wife
would have to accept your choice.
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